I Hate It When...

I hate it when I second guess myself
I hate it when I have a thought and I don't think it's good enough
I hate it when I don't write it down, I just deprived someone else of what they needed to hear
I hate it when I encourage others to speak up for themselves then don't do it for myself
I hate it when I know what I should say and I don't say it
I hate when I know what to do and I don't do it
I hate second guessing

I hate it when I wake up and my confidence crashes like the stock market on Black Thursday
But damn you still thirsty and I don't believe that you want me, you just want something from me
Because I tried on like ten outfits and they all looked bad, now I stepped outside the house and you probably think I look wack
I hate those days because I grew up to not give a fuck even when my mom told me I look crazy
I embraced looking crazy and now it amazes me that I seem to care
I seem to fear your judgments but then other days I love it because I don't care
Because these clothes are the same but still I change
And I never tried to rearrange myself to fit in those clothes
I just made them fit even though I struggled with the zip
I hate it when they were tight as hell and I still had no hips
No ass, SZA, I feel you on that, society makes us feel like ass

I hate that I'm aware of self-love, but not really aware of the self I should love
I hate that one minute I love love and the next I'm just like let's fuck love
So we drunk fuck without a glove and God sends a gift from above
But I hate that I chose to make a decision that rejected that love
I hate it when you ask me something and I get defensive
I hate it that I'm so defensive
But then again I hate it that so many people took advantage of me that I feel the need to be
So I'm defensive, not expensive or depressing
But I hate it when I'm probably depressed but I wear smiles like a Queen wears her dresses
Regularly, I hate it when I pretend I'm happy
I hate it when you can see I'm not happy
I hate feeling attacked and I hate thinking back like damn did I overreact
I hate it that I want to trust you but then periodically wonder if I should
And strangely, I don't hate haters because they hate enough for all of us

I hate it when I'm sensitive but sensitivity helps me write this
I hate it when I'm thinking to myself, should I even write shit
I love it when SZA drops an album about our life
Expressing everything I'm feeling and dealing with
I hate it when I'm misunderstood and try to pretend like its all good
I hate it when I bust my ass and shit don't work out
I hate it when my money don't work out and then we fall out
We fuck and we fight and then someone has to back out
I hate it when it's me, I hate it, I hate it
I hate it when I get so wrapped in this fantasy of US
I hate it when you tell me I want a fairytale
Because I just want a Black man who keeps it real

I hate it that you didn't have the balls to say you would never be the fairytale that I was for you
I hate it when you play Prince Charming but then try to manipulate me too just a few hours later
I hate it when my stomach rings the alarm and twists and turns and begs me to leave you
I hate that I didn't do it sooner, but I love that I was strong enough to finally do it
I hate it when I hear about another fucked up relationship
Because I hate thinking maybe I may never have a healthy one
Or maybe I'll die a Christian and Jesus will be the only man in my life

I hate it that my parents' marriage is shit
Because I just question marriage and shit
I hate it feeling like I'm the only one when I know there's nothing new under the Sun
I hate keeping it all in because I just don't say anything
But my attitude says everything
I hate it when you see through me
I hate it that you see me more than I see myself
I hate that you know what my problems are and that I haven't fixed them yet
I hate it when you tell me my darkness is still bright because I'm filled with so much Light
Because I don't always want to see the Light, that's Common, but not my common senses
I hate it when I fade in and out of my sanity because I know I'm trippin'
But it's the only vacation I've had in a while so let me go

Let me sink, let me feel low, sometimes I just want to know what it's like to be here
But then I hate it when I get stuck there, I think I lost all my luck there
But I found my blessings although I hated to learn that lesson
I hate it that I'm stubborn and I keep having to learn that same lesson
Finally graduated, the date was belated but in the midst of writing this, I said thank you, God
Thanks for inspiration because I hate it when I feel like that well ran dry
Like Kendrick Lamar said about fear, those fears led me to metaphorically die
I couldn't write, I couldn't cry and if you asked me why, I 'd probably lie so I didn't have to cry explaining why

I hate it when you break through my walls because you didn't knock first
I might've let you in but I hate that too so I hate that I lied just now
I hate your compliments because I forget I'm beautiful
And I forget to acknowledge myself
She asked me who do I love and I said everybody else
Damn that's a shame and I hate that she caught on that I needed help
I hate feeling vulnerable but knowing that it's okay to be
If I caught you looking at me, I'd probably hate the look your giving me
But then I'd craved it and hate myself for pretending I didn't like it
And I hate that you call me out on it, 
Cause I'm just gon give you an attitude and say don't worry bout it!

I hate having this great sense of Black women domination one day
Then feeling totally conquered the next day
I hate it when you put me on a pedestal and then when it all falls down, your angry at me
I hate it that you think I'm so God-like and I'm just trying to find God like you
I hate it when you want me to save you and I'm trying to save myself
Because how can I show you the greatness in you if I'm still trying to find in myself
I hate it when you resent me and grow jealous of my blessings
I didn't give them to myself, don't you realize God sent them
I'm blessed and highly favored and I hate that you turned out to be one of my biggest haters

I hate it when Black men die without a cause
I hate it that there is really no law, but to Black like me, you must follow every law and then made up laws
I hate it that society thinks they can wage wars on my family and friends and think I'll just say oh well, the End
I hate it sometimes, this world we live in
But I know damn well it's just a part of my mission

That's why I don't hate life, I actually love it, since one day I'll be above this
But I'm just learning to cope with everything I hate during its course
While finding the winds that I want to blow with
And although I hate, that I hate all this shit
I love that I can open up and just tell you everything I hate
I'm optimistically guessing somebody here can relate
And if not, I hate this too, but don't worry, I won't hate you